I Have Seen the Enemy, 
and He Could Use A Make-Over
Knowing What You're Up Against
(But Not Like That)


So, you've got your aluminum foil beanie, your 11 herbs and spices, your dog tags and  your 'If found please return to' labels sewn into your boxer-briefs.  You have avoided Oregon,  the Deep South, oil rigs, and any place that features bass boats. Simply put,  you've taken all the precautions one cloned man can. 

Now what? 

Well, all things being equal, you being you, and the universe being what it is, you are still likely to have close encounters of the entirely too-close kind. Preparations for such encounters are, therefore, imperative (for the guys from batch #62,101, that means *really important*)  The best way to prepare is to know who - or in this case - what you are dealing with. On the upside, most of them are sort of easy to spot - for some odd reason, aliens are nearly devoid of fashion sense. 


Well, it's not like we haven't known for ages that fossil fuels were a bad idea; unfortunately, as is the case with so many things, we really had no idea just how bad. Essentially a mobile semi-sentient colonizing force exactly-like-but-in-no-way similar to a virus trapped in a petroleum matrix, oiliens are generally found in caves, oil wells, meteors, sunken fighter planes, nursing home residents, and from time to time, Alex Krycek, so you aren't likely to run into them at the movies, the gym, or the mall. Luckily, you're immune. Unluckily, most of the planet isn't.   Sucks not to be you, huh? 



Short, earless, bug-eyed, and sartorially challenged, these famed  Roswell-type aliens are mostly just annoying.  They buzz yokels, make crop circles, and spend untold hours doing some really weird things to cows.  Why?  Why ask why, dude - they just do.  Grays are basically the adolescent teen-aged boys of the galaxy - they like to joyride, get their own brand of stoned, and act like complete idiots, all of which skills they've honed to perfection. They have no interest in world domination, which is a plus. They do however, have entirely too much interest in anal probing - and not the fun kind.  Do yourself a favor - avoid them.


Mighty Morphin' Bounty Hunting Pain in the Ass

These guys - and they are legion - are nothing but trouble.  Smart, strong, humorless, built like sides of beef taken from cows who've done a lot of weight training - they are sixteen kinds of bad news. Luckily, they are susceptible to a well-placed plam* at the base of the skull or several large caliber bullets in the same general area.  They can change their appearance at will (which leaves us asking - if they don't HAVE to look like that guy over there, why do they?) They can show up anywhere, anytime, and often do.  They've got that toxic green blood we've all come to know and loathe, too, so if you do have to plam them, make sure you're wearing a level three biohazard suit and a re-breather. Or at least some latex gloves.  


Faceless Rebels

What are they rebelling against?  What have you got? Ha ha ha! But seriously, these guys are mostly interested in messing up the plans of their full-featured brothers, which makes them, if nothing else, the enemies of our enemies.  But don't be mistaken - that doesn't make them our friends. They, too, are brawny, bovine, and bad tempered, and have no qualms about taking out a few dozen humans (usually  flambé style) if it suits their agenda.  Faceless rebel aliens are usually found where the mighty morphers hang out, so it's still a good idea to avoid those places (ie, anywhere - see above) They also serve as an important object lesson -- yes, you CAN over-do the cosmetic surgery. (Are you listening, #62,101?)

Et Cetera

Okay, okay. She may not be an alien, per se.  But her motives are unclear, her allegiances are suspect, and she runs with a very bad crowd.  Add to that her odd diction, stilted delivery, and appalling taste in undergarments, and something doesn't quite add up.  And say whatever else you will, there are definitely bits and pieces of her that are neither of this world nor found in nature. Better safe than sorry, right? Right.  


So now you know what to look for. Keep your wits about you at all times, (don't give me that look), stay out of those danger zones, be prepared, and for god's sake, if some beefy stranger with questionable bone structure and ill-fitting clothes offers you The Truth, all the answers, or a lollipop, JUST SAY NO.

 You'll thank me.  Honestly

* Plam - retractable alloy stiletto-like alien taker-outer. The Original is seen here with his plam, a gift from his mother.  

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