It Isn't Just for Rednecks Anymore
Location, Location, Location
There was a time when it was relatively easy to
avoid alien abduction.
All the bright young urban professional
had to do was, well, BE a bright young urban professional. If one was
being a bright young urban professional well north of the Mason-Dixon, all the better. Failure to own a pick up
truck with a gun rack also helped enormously, as did a staunch
refusal to wear anything plaid, the complete absence of a bass boat in the
drive way, lack of a beer gut, and the ability to refrain from drinking any alcohol distilled by family, friends, or some
overweight, snaggle-toothed, disreputable-looking guy referred to by one
and all as 'good ol'
Bubba.' If you could legitimately say that you had more than a
fourth grade education, had no uncles or aunts who were also your cousins
and /or grandparents, and that, in all likelihood, you would never eat possum,
you were pretty safe.
My, my, how times have changed.
As this map taken from a recent issue of The
Lone Gunmen clearly shows, almost all of the United States --
urban, rural, industrial, agricultural, deciduous, coniferous, above sea
level, below sea level, temperate, sub-tropical, and even New York -- is
now subject to alien abduction activity of some sort. While the
southern and western parts of the country are most strongly affected, no
area of the lower 48 has remained untouched by this disturbing trend.
Alien Abduction Hot Spots
of you wondering, yes, the rest of the world has abduction hot spots
too. But, as I have learned from television, the universe as we think
we know it revolves around the United States of America. This fact
alone probably explains why alien colonists, bent as they are on world
domination, global enslavement, and interstellar supremacy, want it so darn
bad. Either that, or their planet suffers from a dearth of Starbucks,
and they have a serious half-caf mochaccino jones, but I digress.
(NOTE: It has, of course,
been suggested that this abduction trend is due, in part, to the proliferation and
wide-spread distribution of, well, of guys like us, combined with the
aliens' inability to tell one human from another. At this time,
however, this theory remains both unproven and very, very disturbing, and
therefore, we can ignore it. )
As you are no doubt aware, your very
existence means that you are about one-half of an incredibly
rewarding, fulfilling, often challenging relationship, and that you
have a Significant Other who has invested time, energy, and emotion - real
or virtual - in you. Should you be the type who is partial to Giorgio
Armani's finest, there's probably also been some serious cash
involved, too. You have, furthermore, SEEN, thanks to The Original,
exactly how much fun an alien abduction can be. So naturally, the last
thing you want to do is book a cruise on the Good Ship Reticula.
So what's a Clone to do?
Here are some pointers:
(1) Avoid the
While all of the nation is affected, the south is still the region of the
country voted 'Most Likely To Be Buzzed by the MotherShip.' Of
course Disney World is nice, and Graceland is, deservedly, a MulderMecca,
but why risk it? The Grand Ole Opry will miss you, buckaroo, and
Dollywood, well, Dollywood, with all its charms and attractions, it was just
never meant to be. Cowboy up and get over it.
to Avoid Oregon
As mentioned in the last chapter,
Plausible Oregon™ is just not a good idea. At all. Shun it, Bro.
(3) Get the
Hell out of Dodge...
or, in this case, the US. Perhaps your Significant Other has always
considered a move to Australia?
New Zealand? Fiji?
Iceland? Given the
high incidence of abduction, cattle mutilation, and other-worldly anal
probing, not to mention the politics, health and social issues, crime
rate, and over-abundance of Starbucks in the States, emigration might not be
a bad idea.
The UFO Abduction Insurance Company
(note the name on the Insurance Certificate, guys) has been providing
this fine service since 1987. They claim they haven't had to pay
out yet. (They also claim The Original's let his policy lapse. How
convenient). Either this stuff works as an alien repellent, or will net
your Beloved a tidy little sum in the event of your unscheduled inclusion in
the Alien Astronaut program. Fork out for it and rest a little
And what about those times when geography
alone is not enough to save you? Next, we'll look at simple, sensible
everyday ways to make your abduction less likely.