Sense and Sensibility: Avoidance Part Duex

Don't Do What Donny Don't-Do Does:
Any resemblance to fig. A or fig. B
 is simply asking for trouble. 



Sensible Precautions

(That's not what I mean and you know it. Although, of course, latex IS a good idea, but it won't help one bit when the flying saucers come calling.)

The most sensible thing you can possibly do is keep out of harm's way. Avoid swamps, back-waters, large, deserted chunks of large, deserted deserts, military installations, and any farms where mutilated cattle seem to be the rage.  But, as we've established, it's not  always possible. If you absolutely positively must visit an alien activity or abduction hot-spot, there are simple, easy things you can and should do to make yourself somewhat less attractive to extraterrestrials. (It's going to be tough, of course; you are 100% Mulder, and nothing brings on the EBEs like those muster-passing Mulder genes.) 

(1) Smell Bad
It goes against all your instincts, but smelling bad is apparently a big alien turn-off. In her  book How to Defend Yourself Against Alien Abduction, Ann Druffel suggests carrying a sachet of strong smelling herbs -- including Yarrow, St John's Wart, table salt (iodized or non -- your call)  and Pennyroyal (but not if your Significant Other is pregnant.  Which she won't be, if you took the sensible precautions I absolutely was not talking about up there under the subheading.) with you at all times.  

(How they got this information, I can't imagine. But then, no alien abductee has ever reported that his captor/tormentors/impromptu plastic surgeons had garlic breath, either.  At any rate,  it hasn't been proven NOT to work.  It couldn't hurt, and if you find yourself having  to whip up a dish calling for bouquet garni, you're covered, right?) 

(2) Arm Yourself
Another suggestion comes from, where they recommend you sleep with iron stake nearby or preferably, next to you. (Discuss this with your Significant Other BEFORE she finds it tucked under your pillow.  Trust me on this.) A crucifix made of iron is supposed to be good, too. (This will work if you have a vampire problem, too, though most of us had that possibility eliminated while still in the Petri dish. (See Kilar, Kristen, under Other Bad Ideas))

(3) Chanting, Yelling, Carrying on in an Unseemly Manner
It's supposed to help, but frankly, all it's ever gotten most of us is a bad reputation, a demotion to the basement, and strange looks from the SO of our dreams.  Still, if it's a choice between ascending to the stars on the good ship AnalProber and staying put, acting like a raving lunatic isn't much of a sacrifice.  Heck, for most of us, it isn't even much of a stretch. 

(4) Dress the Part
If clothes make the man, they can also be said to make or break the potential abductee.  Flannel shirts, wittily embroidered ball caps (let's not go there, huh?)  vests dotted with flies (fishing and otherwise) and holey, unwashed T-shirts draw aliens like extraterrestrial moths to a flame. You have enough strikes against you to begin with; don't let sartorial slips make it any worse.   

There's also always the old standby, the Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie. Billed as an effective, low-cost solution to combating mind-control, it's also a handy way to screw up those high-frequency oilien control signals, too.  

And foil is shiny.  Shiny is good.

If abduction seems inevitable (and some days, you know it does) the very least you  can do is be prepared. Location Earth Dog Tags - don't leave your home planet without them.  

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