Sense and
Sensibility:
Avoidance Part Duex

Don't Do What Donny Don't-Do Does:
Any resemblance to fig. A or fig. B
is simply asking for
trouble.
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Sensible
Precautions
(That's not what I mean and you know it.
Although, of
course, latex IS a good idea, but it won't help one bit when the flying
saucers come calling.)
The most sensible thing you
can possibly do is keep out of harm's way. Avoid swamps, back-waters,
large, deserted chunks of large, deserted deserts, military installations,
and any farms where mutilated cattle seem to be the rage. But, as
we've established, it's not always possible. If you
absolutely positively must visit an alien activity or abduction hot-spot, there are
simple, easy things you can and should do to make yourself
somewhat less attractive to
extraterrestrials. (It's going to be tough, of course; you are 100%
Mulder, and nothing brings on the EBEs like those muster-passing Mulder
genes.)
(1) Smell Bad
It goes against all your instincts, but smelling bad is apparently a big
alien turn-off. In her book How to Defend Yourself
Against Alien Abduction, Ann Druffel suggests carrying a
sachet of strong smelling herbs -- including Yarrow, St John's Wart, table
salt (iodized or non -- your call) and Pennyroyal (but not if your
Significant Other is pregnant. Which she won't be, if you took the
sensible precautions I absolutely was not talking about up there under the
subheading.) with you at all
times.
(How they
got this information, I can't imagine. But then, no alien abductee
has ever reported that his captor/tormentors/impromptu plastic surgeons
had garlic breath, either. At any rate, it
hasn't been proven NOT to work. It couldn't hurt, and if you find
yourself having to whip up a dish calling for bouquet garni, you're covered,
right?)
(2) Arm Yourself
Another suggestion comes from http://www.abductions-alien.com/,
where they recommend you sleep with iron stake nearby or preferably,
next to you. (Discuss this with your Significant Other BEFORE she finds it
tucked under your pillow. Trust me on this.) A crucifix made of iron
is supposed to be good, too. (This will
work if you have a vampire problem, too, though most of us had that
possibility eliminated while still in the Petri dish. (See Kilar,
Kristen, under Other Bad Ideas))
(3) Chanting,
Yelling, Carrying on in an Unseemly Manner
It's supposed to help, but frankly, all it's ever gotten
most of us is a bad reputation, a demotion to the basement, and strange
looks from the SO of our dreams. Still, if it's a choice between
ascending to the stars on the good ship AnalProber and staying put, acting
like a raving lunatic isn't much of a sacrifice. Heck, for most of
us, it isn't even much of a stretch.
(4) Dress the
Part
If clothes make the man, they can also be said to make or
break the potential abductee. Flannel shirts, wittily embroidered
ball caps (let's not go there, huh?) vests dotted with flies
(fishing and otherwise) and holey, unwashed T-shirts draw aliens like extraterrestrial
moths to a flame. You have enough strikes against you to begin with; don't
let sartorial slips make it any worse.
There's also always the old standby, the
Aluminum Foil Deflector
Beanie. Billed as an effective, low-cost solution to combating
mind-control, it's also a handy way to screw up those high-frequency
oilien control signals, too.
And foil is shiny. Shiny is
good.
If abduction seems inevitable (and some
days, you know it does) the very least you can do is be prepared. Location
Earth Dog Tags - don't leave your home planet without
them.
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