From lauracap@erols.com Mon Dec 02 02:01:59 1996 Disclaimer: Almost all of these characters belong to 1013 Productions and FOX. Santa Claus belongs to, oh I don't know, Macy's? There is no intent to infringe or profit, at least on my part. Hopefully, the characters will be returned to their owners unscathed but I'm making no promises. Classification: H Rating: PG13 Summary: Series of letters from our X-Files faves to Santa Claus. DEAR SANTA by Laura Capozzola DEAR SANTA: I really feel strange about writing this letter to you. I'd much rather come down to the mall, sit on your lap and tell you what I want for Christmas but there's this UST thing I'm trying to shake which brings me to my first holiday request. I need to get lucky, Santa, and it has got to take longer than 3 minutes. I just started to shed that Spooky moniker and now they're calling me Quick Draw. It's so humiliating that sometimes I just break down and cry. Scully is starting to get on my nerves, too. Lately, she wants to drive the car all of the time and she gets mad if I don't put the seat up for her when I get out. And, every time she opens her mouth it's Agent Pendrell said this, Agent Pendrell said that. Pendrell, Pendrell Pendrell - it's all I ever hear. Like HE has all of the answers. I liked it a lot better when she hung on my every word. Can you fix this for me Santa? Happy Holidays! Fox William Mulder P.S. I'll put a big "S" in my window, next to the menorah, so you can find my house. DEAR SANTA (IF THAT'S YOUR REAL NAME): You know, of course, that I don't believe in you. It's a scientific fact that reindeers can't fly and even allowing for time differences you could never deliver all of those presents around the world in one night. I won't even get into the chimney improbabilities. But just in case Mulder is right, and you do exist, can I have that frilly little lace see-through dress and those white satin heels to wear to the FBI office Christmas party? And when I stand under the mistletoe I would like to be kissed by...hmm. Let's see, I ‘ve already been kissed by Pendrell in the cafeteria, in Mulder's apartment when he was away, on the desk in my office, in the emergency stairwell, in the lab, in the skeleton closet, in the backseat of the car while Mulder was driving, on top of the photocopy machine that night Pendrell and I worked overtime, in the freight elevator.... Then, there was that lapse in judgement with Skinner, Fred in Accounting, Big George the janitor, Sam in the Anti-Terrorism Unit, Pete in Fingerprinting, Bob in Finance, Joe in the Travel Office, Rick in Organized Crime, well actually Rick, Steve, Mike and Kyle in Organized Crime, Frank in Fraud...I guess that only leaves Mulder and well, you know. Do the best you can, Santa. With Dreams of Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire, Dana Catherine Scully DEAR SANTA: Skinner here. That's Skinner the FBI Assistant Director not Skinner, the principal at Bart Simpson's school. You want to know what I would like to have for Christmas? I would like to have a clue. Just once I would like to know what Agents Mulder and Scully are up to before the shit hits the fan and I have to testify before some Congressional Committee or get blasted by the Director. Oh yeah, one more thing. Can you bring me one of those smokeless ashtrays for my office? Deck The Halls and Krycek, Too! Walter Sergei Skinner, A.D. COMRADE SANTA: Please make Mulder stop looking at me like THAT. Oh yeah, and did I tell you I've been a good boy and never lie? May The Peace and Joy of the Season Be With You Always, Alex "I Love This Country" Krycek HI SANTA: I know you're busy working on my gifts but I just wanted to send you this photo of me with my new haircut so you don't bring my presents to the wrong guy. Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Fox William Mulder DEAR SANTA: Please bring me Agent Scully...in a silk teddy. Make her want me, Santa. Oh, The Mistletoe! Agent Pendrell DEAR SANTA: If you get a letter from a guy named Pendrell, don't pay any attention to it. He's just one of my friends goofing around. Cheers! Frohicke HEY SANTA: You don't know me. I've never written to you before but this is important. I need a surgical collar made of steel, you know, something that can't be penetrated by ice picks. I'm kind of on the large side and have a big neck so don't bring me anything dainty. Oh and you know that piss ant, in-your-face Fox Mulder? Keep him away from me. I think he wants me. Peace on Earth and Elsewhere! Big Alien Guy DEAR SANTA: It's me again...Fox. I forgot about the leather jacket. If you can't get it off Krycek you can bring me Krycek and the leather jacket. I could also use some hankies. Oh, and please don't forget those new red Speedos, one size fits all. Season's Greetings! Fox William Mulder DEAR SANTA: I suppose you've already glanced at the signature and plan to toss this into your circular file without reading it. I don't like rejection so that would be a mistake. A very big mistake. After all, I've watched Presidents die. I'm on to you Claus. If people were to know the things I know, this whole commercial Christmas thing would fall apart. Ever wonder what it would be like to die in a sled crash or of botulism? Even a heart attack isn't uncommon for a man your age. So, this is what I want for Christmas. I hope you're paying attention. First, I want a best seller novel so I can take Mrs. Mulder waterskiing in the Carribean without that pain-in-the-ass, anal retentive kid of hers getting in the way...if you know what I mean. And, I want my short story to get a Spooky Award in the Action Adventure category. You know how it is with men in my position. I like the prestige. As a friend, I think I should advise you that it would be in your best interest to see that I get what I want. Merry Christmas! CSM DEAR MR. CLAUS: If you don't find me an Easy Bake Oven and Tea Set, your days are numbered. If it wasn't for those ineffectual assassins of my associate in Washington, you wouldn't have made it this far. Don't think that you can escape my wrath by hiding out at the North Pole. May I remind you that anyone can be gotten to. Certainly, you've no doubt of that. The choice is yours. With All Good Wishes In This Joyous Holiday Season! WMM MY DEAREST SANTA: I enjoyed your visit last Christmas Eve. Those three minutes were, how can I say it...exhilarating. I still wear the pretty white robe you brought me when I have "special" company. You know I believe in what you do. I have just one teensy favor to ask. I WANT Fox Mulder. If I can't have him, I'll take that dark haired guy that was handcuffed to the steering wheel of his car. I know you'll do it for me, Santa. You always do. May Your Holiday Be Filled With Smouldering Looks and Breathless Greetings! Marita DEAR SANTA: It's your buddy Fox, again. I've been mulling it over and I think I should get Scully something special for Christmas...something that is indicative of that special relationship that we share. If you don't come up with an idea for me I was thinking of getting her some of those extra long lasting batteries for those big old flashlights that we always use. Don't you think she would really like that? Do You See What I See? Fox William Mulder DEAR FOX: I don't usually write back, being the busy man that I am, but in your case I'm going to make an exception. I'll get right to the point and keep it short. YOU HAVE NOT BEEN A GOOD BOY. Try again next year. Santa