A User's Guide
By Euphrosyne, who knows these things

Coffee is a beverage of no small importance. It wakes us up and puts us to
bed ... if not to sleep. A late-night coffee can, however, lead to results
so interesting that you wouldn't really want to sleep anyway .... ahem.

Any well-trained Clone should be well versed in the niceties of brewing your
morning cuppa. However, this is a MulderClone, folks, so do not take
anything for granted. Make sure he buys the best beans. Being a patriotic Canadian,
I send my Clone only to the Second Cup
and make shuddery horrible noises when he suggests Starbucks.
But that's just me.
Depending on where you live and what your personal
circumstances are, airlifts from the fields
of Columbian mountains may be an option as well ... but I digress.

Firstly, you must obtain the beans. Then, you must obtain an automatic
coffee machine. This is important. Your Clone may argue about this second
purchase, tell you he needs the money for a new cell phone or he must attend
a convention on Venice beach or something, but please ignore him. He is a
good Clone, he may even be a sweet Clone depending on which model you have
opted for, but he has the Tragic Clone Flaw, and so he knows not of what he
speaks. You are the Owner. You know better. You *must*, and I mean *must*
buy an automatic coffee maker. In this case, and while I know that the
Clone will try to argue you into buying the one with the cappuccino option
or maybe the one with a self-setting timer or the ones with a built in
alarm-clock or whatever, do *not* fall into this trap either. You must
overcome the persuasiveness of your gadget-glazed Clone. If you overcome
this hurdle, all will be well. If you do not, peril will characterize your
relationship with your Clone. A simple automatic brewer, one with an on/off
switch and not much else, is your best bet, at least until you have had an
opportunity to train your Clone properly. Anything more is asking for
complications and troubles you are better off dealing without. Simplicity
is the key when dealing with your Clone.

Next, you should demonstrate the process of grinding the beans. Automatic
drips take fine grinds, so your Clone should be awake a good half hour
before you rise in order to achieve the perfect consistency. Then, the
exact amount of freshly ground beans must be put into a filter. You might
use a recycled-paper filter, but the most environmentally conscious Clone
might use a metal filter. In any event, the whole contraption gets placed
into the coffee machine, which should be a relatively simple process, if
you've followed my instructions and bought a simple machine. Those foolish
enough to indulge their Clones, well ... please remember that the warranty
does not extend to accidents that occur in wanton disregard of this manual.

The Clone should now pour in a pot of clean, freshly drawn, cold water into
the machine, press the button, and voila. You will have to demonstrate the
process several times to your Clone of course, before letting him attempt
this feat on his own. But when he does ... that gourmet cooking gene, well ...

I can give you no instructions on the aftermath of the coffee-making
experience, ie. pouring and transporting coffee pot and china mugs to the
table. Whether or not you paid extra for a fully trained Clone (in which
case he may already have brewed you a wickedly frothy mug of latte the day
he stepped out of his box as a pleasant prelude into an enlightening
introduction of all the delights that purchasing your very own Clone can
offer) that is a process best left to the individual Owner ... but from
personal experience, the scars do fade and my Clone is now ever so proud of
them (which, of course, is a benefit in itself!). The newer, updated models
of Clone (not that I'd ever trade my baby in! No, never! Despite his
flaws, my older model Clone does have some ... uh, endearing ... features
that the later models seem to lack.) And with practice, the Clone does get
better at cleaning up the mess. Now he even Scotch guards once a week ...
in fact, he gets quite upset when I distract him, but you know, there's
something about seeing my Clone sitting on that rug ... ahem.

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